star-eaters:

girlasabodyofwater:

i eat a lot of bread because it’s soft and i deserve it. also i am gorgeous

nikkimariesworld:

Light a candle directly in front of your automatic Glade spray air freshener that way every 9 minutes a fireball shoots across your living room table, intimidating your house guests, asserting your dominance in your domain

honeysweethome:

tipplersbane:

honeysweethome:

just remembered toads exist and got a burst of serotonin

Serotoadin

good reply, it deserves recognition

hyrude:

u ever have cravings that are like “you WILL eat a rice krispies treat or there will be consequences. you have 24 hours”

vampireapologist:

imagine trying out a super risky outfit ur not sure is gonna land well and on your way to the party you fall into a bog and become a bog body and in like 3,000 years they pull you out in like a pink mesh bathing suit with an applique that says “barbie girl” on the front tucked in as a body suit to a pair of track shorts that say “your card was declined” on the ass and a pair of elevated 90s gel sandals with a hitclips clipped to the strap with one cartridge (60 seconds of an nsync song) and they reconstruct you in a museum and tell the public that’s how people dressed

purple-apricots:

jehovahhthickness:

Why is this so funny

beetledrink:

i love it when you accidentally meet eyes with a stranger in public and you flash a quick polite smile and they look at you like they wish you were dead in a ditch

prettykikimora:

Girls is it wrong to just go hog wild? To just start swinging your arms like a banshee? To just be indiscriminately violent at the local Applebees?

astrobro:

Not to be horny on main but imagine meeting a man that isn’t a complete waste of time

chaoticgood:

spiderman is so fucking funny dude saves like an entire country and then he goes home at the end of the day and opens his fridge and hes got like 1 egg and a half empty can of arizona tea no matter how old he is or what comic hes from thats just how peter parker lives

trashboat:

trashboat:

i go absolutely ape shit buck wild when people ask me if i want to run errands with them like Let’s Fucking Go. and my mind absolutely maxes out of dopamine when they ask if i wanna stop for coffee. and if someone took me to the park id go bonkers in funcking yonkers

i got so high last night that i started ghostwriting for a golden retriever apparently

sjw-bot:

in retrospect, yikes